Water was already a hazard on the golf course, but we weren’t expecting this level of nuisance. Today’s Mario Golf: Super Rush update delivered some much-needed extra content to the game through the New Donk City course. Finally, a level that takes advantage of the franchises’ stellar environments instead of serving up greens so generic you’d expect to find them at your local grocery store. New Donk City was a standout moment in Super Mario Odyssey, and we couldn’t wait to pack the clubs and book a return trip. Unfortunately, this is far from a honeymoon trip.
You see, Golf is a sedate sport. Even at the highest of tempos, things are about as fast-paced as a brisk walk to the bodega after forgetting you’ve run out of toilet paper. It takes patience and concentration. Introducing speed and battle variants, Mario Golf: Super Rush doesn’t entirely subscribe to this ethos, but it does respect it. Even against the clock, you hardly feel hurried when lining up and assessing each swing. As such, it’s a fantastically soothing experience to play in the standard golf mode. Unless, that is, you choose to play on the New Donk City course.
New Donk City is famous for its sights and, more importantly, its sounds. Jump Up Superstar slaps, and is guaranteed to see a smile creep onto your face. As such, we were expecting a tour of New Donk City to be noisy, but in the best way possible. What we weren’t expecting was fire hydrants. Endlessly spurting Fire Hydrants. Just listen to them go:
We get it, water supply is important in a universe in which anyone can grab a flower and start hurling fireballs hither and thither. But these things just do not shut up. Attempting to line up that perfect backspin landing to an incessant background chorus of PSSSHTs and CHSHSHTs is liable to melt your brain in irritation.
What’s worse is that New Donk is a course built on finesse and precision, asking you to curve around buildings or even bounce them off walls. With water spouts literally washing out the level’s soundtrack, maintaining composure is a big ask.
Thankfully, things quieten down as you escape to the rooftops in the latter half of the course, but no one should have to suffer through eight holes of audio agony. For Speed Golf? Sure, keep these pesky obstacles in the way. But for the regular game, could someone please hit the switch on these seriously annoying spurters? Pauline, put down the putter and get your people on the job, stat.