Here at AllGamers we fully believe that the future of humanity will see us enslaved by robot overlords, but judging by most video game AI characters, we’ve still got a long way to go yet. Gaming is generally an enjoyable hobby, but the times we’re asked to pair up with — or worse, protect — an incompetent ally can be, well, let’s just say we’ve done our fair share of shouting at imaginary characters. Whether they’re running in front of your shots or frustrating you with phone calls, our NPC allies are often more pain than pal. Here are eight maddeningly stupid AI companions we’ve been forced to partner with.
Slippy Toad - Star Fox 64/Lylat Wars
“Fox, get this guy off me!” In the animal-filled world of Star Fox, crewmate Slippy Toad is perhaps the only critically endangered species. Somehow standing side by side with the likes of Falco Lombardi and Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad is best remembered for being the first pilot to require your help in almost every mission.
Despite his peppy attitude, Slippy was seemingly incapable of defending himself, fleeing back and forth across your screen while pursued by enemies. Saving him didn’t make much difference however, as it wasn’t long before a high-pitched cry of “Foooox!” would mean you had to start all over again. Oh Slippy, how did you ever qualify for this job?
(Psst! Not all AI companions are bad. In fact, here are 7 companions that weren't total idiots. We even enjoyed having #3 around...)
Zimos - Saints Row 3
Saints Row 3 wasn’t just a great game in its own right, but also marked a clear turning point in the series, shifting from GTA-clones to the wacky, sex-toy wielding riots they’ve now become. However, even great games have their weak points, and no, we’re not talking about the sequence in which you drive a tiger on a sightseeing tour, hoping he doesn’t maul your face off.
After being rescued from a less-than-savory establishment, Zimos’ compulsory missions put you to the ethically dubious task of stealing rival operations’ sex workers and bringing them into the Saint’s fold. Unfortunately, this requires being driven around by the game’s most irritating character. As if his grating, autotuned dialogue wasn’t bad enough, Zimos is also an abysmal driver, more than happy to crash into each and every obstacle in his path. Even worse are the sections where he gets out of the car. Making a habit out of getting stuck, Zimos will often decide he doesn’t want to return to the vehicle whatsoever, all the while demanding your protection. At least they didn’t bring him back for Saints Row 4.
Sheva Alomar - Resident Evil 5
Shinji Mikami’s Resident Evil 4 was an absolute masterpiece, which left Capcom’s team unenviably big boots to fill for the next in the series. While Resi 5 never reached its predecessor’s heights, it was still a thoroughly enjoyable, co-operative romp, and a fittingly dramatic end for series big bad Wesker. Unfortunately, you could also play it alone.
Foolishly choose to jump in solo and you’d be partnered up with an AI Sheva who wasn’t just stupid, but needlessly greedy too. Along with standing by gormlessly while you’re overrun by infected, Sheva also chewed through your shared pool of ammo and health like a dog in a box of chocolates. And just like real life pets, it was down to you, the responsible human, to deal with your baby AI’s mistakes. Look Sheva, we’re sorry for shouting, we just really needed those shotgun shells to stop this tentacle boss from tearing us apart.
Natalya Simonova - Goldeneye 007 (64)
Widely hailed as a genre-defining FPS, it’s easy to forget that Goldeneye 64 also had some of the most infuriating escort missions we’ve ever played. As a level 2 programmer for the Russian Space Forces, Natalya Simonova seemed surprisingly nonplussed by gunfire. In fact, during the four levels in which you had to protect her, she’d consistently take every chance place herself directly between Bond and his targets. Combine that with a miniscule health bar and friendly fire, and you’ve got all the ingredients required for controller-destroying fits of rage.
Every Skyrim companion who blocked a doorway
Okay, we may have included Lydia in our list of good AI companions, but that’s only because we forgot the number of times she trapped us in a cave or house, stoically blocking the only exit to the room. You could sometimes lure them further inside before sprinting round to freedom, but if that didn’t work then the only choices left to you were to fast travel out or send them flying with a Fus Roh Dah. Well, that or starve. Could you not just back up a couple of inches there Aela? I’ve got dragons to slay. You’d think being the head of the Mages Guild, leader of the Dark Brotherhood and general savior of the world would merit at least this basic level of courtesy. Then again, considering all the junk we forced them to carry, we’re pretty sure this was their passive aggressive way of getting back at us.
AI Survivors - Left 4 Dead 1/2
Anyone who’s played Valve’s co-operative zombie slayer will know all too well the feeling of frustration as your friends take juust too long to save you. At least with a machine on your side you could reliably expect it to prioritize your life when in trouble, right? Wrong. When they weren’t wilfully throwing themselves into Spitter goo or the waiting tongue of a Smoker, L4D’s AI Survivors were far too preoccupied ineffectively batting away zombies to even consider saving your hide.
Playing Left 4 Dead or its sequel solo was more akin to babysitting than surviving the zombie apocalypse. Shepherding your AI children through each map you’d better a hope the Director didn’t throw a Witch in your path, as no matter how stealthily you manoeuvred, one of your bumbling companions was bound to set her off. Your friends might make mistakes from time to time, but at least you know that they’re trying to win.
Roman Bellic - Grand Theft Auto 4
Niko! It’s Roman, Let’s go bowling!
Niko! It’s Roman, Let’s go bowling!
Remind us again why Rockstar likes to ruin their games with annoying phone calls? At this point we’re expecting a mobile to vibrate its insufferable way into Red Dead Redemption 2.
Prince Tricky - Star Fox Adventures
Not content to let Slippy hog all the Starfox fame, Tricky was Fox’s primary ally in Rare’s bizarre Star Fox/Zelda hybrid on a planet of dinosaurs. Essentially a baby triceratops, Tricky becomes Fox’s ally for much of the game, and could even be considered cute if it wasn’t for his godawful escort sections. Early on in the game, Fox and Tricky don’t exactly get on well, and the developers thought it’d be fun to relay this mechanically by making Tricky refuse to follow any instructions whenever he’s hungry. To stop him running off in a huff, Fox needed to tediously collect red mushrooms, feeding them to Tricky so he’d actually, y’know, let you progress in the story. Because what we’d all hoped for in a Star Fox sequel was looking after spoilt dino children. Thanks, Rare.